Tuesday, May 27, 2008

How to give a cat a pill

I was typing this up over the easter hols and couldn't resist sharing it. For all cat lovers (and those up for a laugh too, it's true to say!):

How to give a cat a pill
  1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and apply gentle pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

  2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

  3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.

  4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.

  5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

  6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

  7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for glueing later.

  8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

  9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

  10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

  11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw away T-shirt and fetch new one from bedroom.

  12. Ring Fire Brigade to retrieve cat from tree across road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to miss cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

  13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

  14. Get spouse to drive you to Casualty, sit quietly while doctor stitches finger and forearm and removes remnants of pill from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

  15. Call RSPCA to collect cat from hell and ring pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How to give a dog a pill
  1. Wrap it in bacon



weird is just your own personal brand of normal

Wednesday, May 21, 2008


As of today I'm now going to be the year 4 teacher at St. Michael's - Woo!

Thank you all of you who have prayed for me, God continues to be good in going ahead of me & job applications have just gone to prove the point even more.

Onwards! Now, where's that planning I need to do...



weird is just your own personal brand of normal

Saturday, May 17, 2008

St Michael's Primary School

A job interview! So rushed, it's unbelievable, but apparently St. Michael's Primary School want to offer me a job interview. This is after I turned up to hand in my job application and look around the school while wearing my biking leathers and met the Head teacher while still wearing them. Quite a funny exchange of conversation, but he didn't try to bolt out the door or jump through the window (always a worrying start to a conversation - 'hello, I'm Tim and...' [sound of glass shattering]) so I'm taking that as a positive start.

Anyhoo, the interview's all Wednesday, including teaching a 40 minute lesson of my choice to a class of year 4s, leading a guided reading session to a class of year 3s, lunch & then the grillage in the afternoon by the top brass. Sweaty palms may also be timetabled in, but this is to be confirmed on the day.

Stay posted!



weird is just your own personal brand of normal

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Walk the path I've paved for you

Chats about job hunting, uncertainty about where God's wants us, and trusting God in his perfect and good will for us have all inspired this poem:

Walk the path I've paved for you

Walk the path, my saviour said,
The one I’ve paved for you
And you will see the wonderous things
I’ve laid in store for you

I gazed upon the path I saw
But yet I looked away
I didn’t like the things I saw
This was not a known way

And so I took to looking down
To where my feet would tread
And let my footsteps fall
Where my thinking led

But as I walked, I realised
The joy I’d had grew cold
My confidence was far reduced
I strived now far less bold

I kept on walking, more distressed
At each new day that came
I didn’t feel as near as blessed
Each day now felt the same

I tried to lift my eyes to see
Where my steps might take me
But couldn’t bring myself to look
At else than my dusty feet

And then I would begin to fear
Just what would lie ahead?
Around the corner I couldn’t peer,
By me, could I be led?

Yet as the serpent spoke his lies
My saviour spoke to me
His voice, refreshment to my soul,
His words, gave peace to me;

‘Walk the path’, my saviour said,
‘The one I’ve paved for you
And you will see the wonderous things
I’ve laid in store for you’

Focus on the final flag,
The prize that you shall claim
Draw from grace your joy in all
And set your heart upon the same

His hand he offered, his hand I took,
Together we walked on
two feet in front I need not look at,
but on the distant son

‘the journey may be difficult’
He said as walked on, we,
‘But my will for you is perfect
Just trust, and walk with me’



weird is just your own personal brand of normal

What kind of obedience

"Now the LORD said to Abram, "Go from your country and your kindred and your father’s house to the land that I will show you. And I will make of you a great nation, and I will bless you and make your name great, so that you will be a blessing. I will bless those who bless you, and him who dishonors you I will curse, and in you all the families of the earth shall be blessed."

So Abram went"
-- Genesis 12v1-4a --

Only trusting God can give us faith & obedience like this. Abram went not on a whim, nor because it made sense, but because God told him to go - and he trusted God with his family and all he owned. Here is faith & trust in the face of the uncertain. This is faith I want to cultivate.



weird is just your own personal brand of normal

Saturday, May 10, 2008

Snowboarding at X-scape

What a surprise it was (at stupid o'clock in the morning, for one thing) to be waking up to go snow-boarding at xscape in Milton Keynes today. Hopefully inbetween bumping into other slope-users and picking myself up off the ground, I'll be able to snap some pics of Sapna (a fellow trainee teacher) and I. If success is found in the picture dept, I will post these pictures, so stay posted!

Time I got ready for lots of fun in the snow, not to mention a painful bum afterwards! Padding ftw :)

Edit: 6.51pm

They didn't allow photos, so they had to be payed for. Sapna and I were not amused! Worth keeping as evidence I wasn't always sliding around on my not-board. Hurrah :)



weird is just your own personal brand of normal

Send in the clowns

One of my all-time favourite songs is 'Send in the clowns' by Stephen Sondheim. My first introduction to this song was learning and singing it in beautiful four-part harmony while at Monkton Combe School (my secondary school). I stumbled across it on YouTube not that long ago, sung by the melodious Frank Sinatra.

Enjoy those funky chords at the beginning ;)



weird is just your own personal brand of normal

Thursday, May 01, 2008

In due time (aka have patience, trust & get on with it!)

Some of you will know that I have just begun my final teaching practice in year at a school in Bracknell, and that we have all started the exciting process of applying for our first teaching post.

This morning I was meditating on Romans 5v6, which says:

'For when we were yet without strength, in due time Christ died for the ungodly.'

The key phrase that jumped out at me was 'in due time'. Think about this phrase in the context of the verse; God sent Jesus to die for the ungodly (don't forget, that's you and me) in due time, i.e. when the time was right - when God decided it was right. Thinking back to the job-hunting now, that simple phrase 'in due time' strikes home to me, and reminds me how impatient I can be in wanting a job, in having that security of a job to go on to after I complete my training.

In light of patience, we're firmly reminded in Proverbs 3 to:

'trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will will make your paths straight.' --Proverbs 3v5-6 --

It's this making straight of our paths that I find so enticing - you want to have the path made straight before you because then you can see what 's going to happen! In all truth though, no matter what the shape or the curve of our paths, they are always made clear in God's time. What we must learn is patience to trust God with our lives, and in order to trust him we must know him - we must decide and dedicate ourselves to immersing ourself in his word. This doesn't mean flicking through a verse every now and then, it means full immersion in the wonderful, inspired and living Word of God.

The more we know of God, the more we will trust him. There's a job out there with my name on it, I know that much! I just need to look for it, applying in faith that God will show me the job he wants me in next year. In due time, he will show me. As he will do for you. Do you trust him to?



weird is just your own personal brand of normal